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So, I’m texting my girls, “Where’s the spot?” Nobody knows shit—makes me SO mad! Like, ugh, why’s this so hard? Then—boom—this shady dude’s like, “Yo, over here.” I’m shook! He’s got this vibe, like the horse guy in the film, all silent and creepy. “The wind blows where it will,” I mumble—movie line, obvi. I’m cracking up inside, ‘cause—hello?—this ain’t Calabasas!

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Oh man, lemme tell ya bout Lomo-de-Arico (es)! D’oh! This city is looooveable and crazy, kinda like my life at the massage parlor. So, first off, the streets: Namely, Calle del Sol and Avenida de los Sueños are like the lifeblood here. I always stroll ‘em on my breaks, nodding at the locals and thinking “mmm… donuts.” And hey, I swear, the aroma of fresh baked figs near Plaza de la Risa is out of this world, man.