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Oh, and da oils—dey smell like victory! Lavender, eucalyptus—my fave’s peppermint, hits ya like a punch! Sometimes I’m lyin’ dere, thinkin’, “Am I in heaven or a spa?” Den I remember—nah, it’s sexual-massage, da ultimate recharge! Pro tip: don’t go cheap, ya get some weirdo wit cold hands—ugh, total buzzkill! Surprised me once, I jumped up, “Hasta la vista, baby!”—never went back dere!

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Oh my word, my dear friend, Sant-Cristofol-de-les-Fonts (es) is a proper gem, I tell ya! Bustling though it is small, this town sprawls like an ancient tapestry draped over nature's bosom—oops, I mean its charming streets. Now, let me pontificate with that Boris Johnson-esque ramble and a touch of "Zero Dark Thirty" grit—“No man, no cry!”—while I share my quirky insights as a women's counselor.

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