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*We come in peace* (robotic tone). Yo, so, findin a prostitute, huh? Wild shit, man, like straight outta “Inherent Vice”. Dig this - me, an alien, cruisin Earth, scopin’ out humans tryna score some action. Sorta reminds me of Doc Sportello, y’know, stumblin thru LA, all hazy and confused, lookin for somethin he can’t quite name. “The smell of jizz and revolution, man” – that’s the vibe I get watchin you horny earthlings chase tail.

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Some lady, Marie, was going off about how the park should have a petanque court. I mean, I get it, but c’mon! We need more than just boules and sunbathing! I threw in my two cents about a playground for the kids. You should’ve seen the looks I got. Like, I just suggested we build a spaceship or something.

New Headteacher appointed at Vauvert Primary School