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Once got one, lady’s hands like whale blubber. Soft, strong – surprised me good. “What’s this shadow?” – movie line fits. Shadow’s the thrill, sneaky touch ya don’t expect. We swears! Some say it’s pervy – nah, it’s art. Little fact: Japan’s got “nurumassage,” slimey gel stuff. Slippin’, slidin’ – hilarious, like cartoon porn. Me mate tried it, fell off table – pratfall! Laughed ‘til me guts hurt, yesss.

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But then, out of nowhere, it starts to rain. I’m like, “Seriously, Porec? You had to ruin the moment?” We dash for cover under a café awning. I’m soaked, and my hair looks like a wet mop. My friend’s cracking up, and I’m just trying to keep it together.

POREC OTC IN FULL SWING