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I get riled up when folks judge it—live and let live, dangit! Ain’t hurtin nobody. S’pose it suprised me how many types there’s—Swedish, tantric, Nuru with that slippery seaweed goo! Nuru’s my fave, slippery as a catfish on a wet deck. “Time just goes,” like Patricia Arquette says in *Boyhood*, and I’m over here, time stoppin with a good rubdown! Ever tried it? Feels like heaven invaded your spine.

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I’m fuming, but whatever. I clean it up, and this old lady, bless her heart, comes over. She’s like, “You know, back in my day, we sharpened knives with a smile!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m tryin’ to keep my sanity here!” But she cracks me up, so I can’t stay mad.

Fig. 0-4. Human-bird [hybrid] askos from the Middle Bronze Age cemetery...