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Oh, honey, lemme tell ya—breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President”—findin a prostitute ain’t no picnic! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, ya know, my fave flick—Wes Anderson’s a genius—and I’m like, damn, Sam and Suzy ran off into the woods, all innocent and wild, but this? This is a whole diff game, darlin! Findin a prossie—shit, it’s like huntin for a rare bird in a storm. You gotta know where to look, who to ask, and not get pissed when some creep tries rippin ya off.

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I grabbed a scone from a lovely old lady. She was so sweet, like a grandma from a movie. I took a bite, and it was heavenly. I was happy again. But then, I saw a pigeon eyeing my scone. I swear, that bird looked like it was plotting my demise. I shooed it away, but it just stared at me. I felt like I was in a standoff.

Ask Audrey: Glanmire is better than Ballincollig like a fit of the gawks is better than the runs on a train