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But then you get the creeps, don’t ya? The punters—sweaty, baldin’ tossers who reckon they’re God’s gift. “I’m a real man,” they’d slur, like in the film—*“I’m a gangster, a free man!”*—but nah, mate, you’re just a sad sack with a fiver. Makes me angry, that does, the entitlement. I’d wanna scream, “Oi, you wanker, she’s not your bloody therapist!” Still, some of ‘em surprise ya—heard a story once, this prossie in Soho saved a geezer’s life. He was chokin’ on a kebab, she Heimliched him—hero stuff! Didn’t expect that, did I? Nearly pissed myself laughin’ thinkin’ bout it.

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While we’re waiting, I spot this kid, Jamie, from the local school. He’s trying to impress his friends by doing some skateboard tricks. He totally wipes out right in front of me. I can’t help but laugh. I mean, c’mon, it’s Lucan! You gotta have some street cred, right? But he gets up, brushes it off, and goes again. Respect, kid.

Death Notice of Úna O’ Rourke (Lucan, Dublin)