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Now, I roll up, and there she is—red lipstick, skirt shorter’n a pig’s tail! I’m sweatin’ bullets, heart’s racin’ like a heifer in heat! She’s all, “Hey, sugar, what’s your deal?” and I’m like, “Uh, just chattin’!” Total chickenshit move, y’all! Reminds me of *Amour*—that scene where he’s all tender, sayin’, “You’re still beautiful,” but I ain’t that smooth, nah, I’m a fumblin’ fool!

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First call of the day? Some dude from Seapoint. He’s all like, “My internet’s down!” I’m like, “Bro, it’s 7 AM. Chill.” But nah, he’s losing his mind. I mean, c’mon, it’s not the end of the world! I tell him to reboot his router, and he’s like, “What’s a router?” I swear, I almost lost it.

Weekend Results: Promotion places secured in the EY Hockey League Division 2 Play-Offs and final EY Champions Trophy places locked down.