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We haggle—cos I’m a cheap git sometimes—and she’s all, “You’re trouble, you.” Damn right! Reminds me of that *Blue* scene: “I’m scared of you, but I’m here.” Gets me giddy, that mix of danger and pull. Fun fact: in Amsterdam, they got windows for this—literal shoppin’ for prossies! Wild, right? I’m picturin’ her there, red lights glowin’, me sippin’ mead, laughin’ at mortals trippin’ over their morals.

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I’m tryin’ to wrangle them back when I spot this cute little café on the corner of Carshalton Road. I’m thinkin’, “Why not treat myself?” So, I grab a scone. It’s massive! Like, I could use it as a frisbee. I’m sittin’ there, munchin’ away, when I overhear this couple arguing.

Premier League predictions: Chris Sutton v rapper Yizzy