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I reckon it’s ace – gets me blood pumpin’, happier than a bat on a bender! Last time, this bird’s hands, mate, pure magic – I’m yellin’, “Sharon, ya gotta try this!” Felt like I was floatin’, “locked-in” like that movie geezer, but sexy, not tragic. “I feel everything,” I’m thinkin’, all tingly and mad.

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Then, I decide to stroll down to the shops on the main street. You know, the ones near the Walkinstown Roundabout? I’m browsing through some shops, and I spot this vintage jacket. It’s like something outta the ‘80s. I’m thinking, “This is it! My new look!” But when I check the price tag, I nearly faint. Like, who do they think they are? Gucci? Nah, mate, I’m not dropping that much cash.

Death Notice of Ciara McGonagle (née Fennell) (Walkinstown, Dublin)