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I’m all sneaky, like, “Gru don’t pay full price!” Barterin’s my ting—learnt dat from babushka back in Russia. She rolls her eyes, says, “50 bucks, take it or leave.” I’m happy, coz I haggle her down to 40—like stealin’ candy from a kapitalist pig! Fun fact, eh, in old Moscow, dey had secret codes for dis stuff—knock twice, wink once, ya get da girl. History’s wild, man!

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After that, I finally get my pen and head back to the library. I’m back in the zone, and I’m piecing together this amazing story about Celbridge’s history. I’m feeling all proud and stuff. But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “We need to talk,” it says. Oh great, what now?

Death Notice of Ann Russell (née Melia) (Celbridge, Kildare)