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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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Then, I hit up the park on Maple Ave. It’s usually chill, but today? Nah. There was this kid flying a drone. Like, a full-on military-grade drone. I’m just trying to enjoy the ducks, and this thing nearly takes my head off. I yelled, “Hey, kid! You trying to start World War III?” He just laughed. Kids these days, man.

Unmaintained playground reflects ‘neglectful attitude’ towards area