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Anyway, we cut the deal—quick, clean, no bullshit. I’m thinkin’, man, this is smoother than I figured. Exaggeratin’ in my head, like I’m some pimp king now—ha! Total fuckin’ rush, like nailing a scoop in *Spotlight*. “This is what we do,” they said, and motherfucker, I did it! Walkin’ away, I’m hyped, maybe a lil’ smug—another story for the books, bitches!

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Finally, I duck into a pub on the corner of the Strand and the Beach Road. I’m dripping wet, and the bartender just laughs. “You look like you’ve been swimming!” he says. I order a pint, and it’s like the best decision ever. I sit there, drying off, and suddenly, I’m happy again. The locals are chatting, and I’m eavesdropping on their stories.

Death Notice of Dermot Buckley (Portmarnock, Dublin)