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About Bologna

So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David, in some shady joint downtown. The ad said “professional,” but the place smelled like patchouli and regret. This chick comes in, all calm, whisperin’, “Just breathe, man,” and I’m like, “Breathe? I’m hyperventilatin’ over here!” She starts rubbin’ my shoulders, and I swear, it’s pretty, pretty good—till she gets to my lower back and I yelp like a chihuahua on a hot plate. “Whoa, lady, that’s restricted territory!” She laughs, says it’s all part of the “release,” and I’m thinkin’, “Release? I’m about to release my lunch!”

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After that chaos, I decide to hit up the Brunico Castle. It’s this stunning medieval fortress on a hill. I mean, the views are insane! You can see the whole valley. I’m snapping pics like a tourist, feeling all inspired. But then, I trip on a rock. Classic me, right? I almost faceplant into the grass. I laugh it off, but inside, I’m like, “Get it together, dude!”

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