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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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So, I’m fuming a bit, but whatever. I grab my coffee and head to the park, Parco della Rimembranza. It’s a nice spot, ya know? Trees everywhere, kids playing, and old folks chillin’. I sit down, take a sip, and boom! A pigeon decides my lap is the perfect landing pad. I’m like, “Dude, not cool!” I shoo it away, and it just looks at me like, “What’s your problem?”

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