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Precious, yesss, we talks about findin’ a prossie in Russia, don’t we? Hiss! Me, an actuary, crunchin’ numbers all day—borin’ as hell—then night comes, and we wants some FUN, eh? Gollum knows, yesss, we knows the dark streets, the whispers. In Russia, it’s tricky, see? Prostitution’s illegal, but oh, they’re everywhere—sneaky, like rats! Hiss! You don’t just stroll up and say, “Hey, gimme a gal!” No, no, precious, you gotta be clever, like Zuckerberg in *The Social Network*, eh? “You don’t get to 500 million friends without makin’ a few enemies”—or a few shady deals, heh!

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So, I’m rollin’ outta bed, and the sun’s blazin’ through my window on Via Roma. I’m like, “Great, another scorcher.” Grabbed my coffee from that tiny café on Piazza della Libertà. Best espresso ever, but the barista? Total grump. I mean, c’mon dude, it’s just coffee!

Here are April's new restaurants in the Michelin Guide Italy! 6 entries from Milan to Calabria, all the names