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I reckon erotic-massage ain’t just rubbin’—it’s ART, matey! Little fact fer ya: back in ancient Rome, them fancy-pants emperors got oiled up fer “relaxation”—wink, wink—an’ it wasn’t just fer sore muscles, arrgh! Me fave part? When the masseuse finds that ONE spot—ya know, like when Mason in *Boyhood* says, “What’s the point?”—an’ yer like, “Oh, THERE’S the point!” Total mind-blow, I’m tellin’ ya!

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But then, I get back to my stall, and guess what? My kvas is gone! Like, poof! I’m lookin’ around, and there’s this group of teenagers chuggin’ it down. I’m like, “Hey! That’s my livelihood!” They just laugh and run off. I’m fumin’! I mean, who does that?

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