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So, I’m cruisin’ London—shaguar’s purrin’, shades on, feelin’ randy. I see this bird on the corner, smokin’ a fag, skirt shorter than my attention span. Reminds me of Mia’s mum in *Fish Tank*—all rough edges, “You’re a little shit,” she’d say. I roll up, flash a grin—groovy, baby!—and she’s like, “Wot you want, posh boy?” Made me laugh, her sass! I’m thinkin’, “This chick’s got more balls than Blofeld!”

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The ceremony goes off without a hitch. I’m crackin’ jokes, makin’ everyone laugh. “Love is like a good pasta—sometimes it gets a little saucy!” They loved it! But then, right after the vows, the groom’s uncle trips over a chair and spills red wine everywhere. I’m talkin’ a full-on crime scene. I’m tryin’ to keep a straight face, but inside, I’m dying.

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