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Here’s a lil’ secret, ‘kay? Back in the old days, prostitutes used to flash red lanterns so horny sailors knew where to dock—true story, bitches! Ain’t that wild? Surprised me when I heard it, made me laugh my ass off. “Red light, green light, let’s go!” I mutter, struttin’ up to her. She’s all, “Whatchu want, kid?” and I’m like, “RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH, lady! I got needs!” She smirks, and I’m thinkin’, *This is my kingdom now, assholes!*—straight outta *Moonrise Kingdom* vibes.

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But wait, it gets better! I look up, and there’s this group of kids laughing at me. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, future comedians.” But then one of them comes over and offers me a napkin. I’m like, “Thanks, kid. You’re a real MVP.”

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