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My fave flick, “No Country for Old Men,” fits this vibe. Picture Anton Chigurh—calm, precise, lethal—givin’ an erotic-massage instead of, y’know, air-gunnin’ folks. “Call it, friendo,” he’d whisper, kneadin’ your traps. Dark, right? I’d pay double for that intensity—none of that weak-sauce spa crap. Real shiatsu shit—deep tissue, borderline painful, leaves ya rebooted. “What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”—prolly my dignity after moanin’ too loud once.

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Anyway, I shake it off and head to the café. I’m thinking, “A nice cappuccino will fix this.” But guess what? The barista, Luca, spills hot milk all over the counter. I mean, come on, dude! It’s not rocket science! I’m just trying to enjoy my morning, and now I’m dodging dairy like it’s a game of dodgeball.

WFW advises PLC on sale of Schmack majority stake to HZI