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And the girls—God bless em, really—but I’d be too neurotic to even talk. “Hi, uh, so, what’s your return policy?” I’d ask that, swear to God, cause what if it’s awkward? What if she’s judgin me? I’d judge me! Like, “Look at this schmuck, payin for it.” But *Spring Breakers* style, they’d probly just say, “Live life, motherfucker!” and I’d be like, “Okay, fair, but still—gross!” I’d tip extra just to not feel like a creep. Pretty, pretty good chance I’d bolt outta there anyway.

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But then, I hear this commotion. A bunch of kids are running around, and one of them trips and falls right in front of me. I’m like, “Oh no, not again!” But he just gets up, brushes it off, and keeps running. Kids are tough, man. I wish I had that energy.

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