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Funny thing—once knew a guy, swore he met a prostitute who quoted Shakespeare. “To be or not to be,” she said, then charged him double. Laughed my ass off. Exaggeratin’? Maybe. But I’d believe it—people are weird. I hate weird. Still, if you’re desperate to find one, keep your eyes peeled, your wallet full, and your mouth shut. “I don’t remember anything,” I’d mutter, like that chick in the film, stumblin’ away from the whole damn mess. That’s my advice—take it or leave it. Probably leave it. I hate everything.

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Then, I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around like pros. I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could kick it like that!” But then, one of ‘em kicks the ball right at me! I catch it, and they all cheer. I’m feelin’ like a rockstar for a sec.

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