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About Osaka

I get all hyped thinkin’ bout it, but then—bam!—reality hits. Most of these gals ain’t that deep, and it’s a damn shame. Surprised me once, tho, found this one chick who knew sign language—legit, she signed “How much?” and I was like, “Holy shit, that’s hot!” Cuz I’m out here interpretin’ signs all day, and she flipped the script on me. Made me happy as hell, like, “Finally, someone gets it!”—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars,” ya know?

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German lessons are free and include a one-hour tutorial in sexual practices taught using disturbingly childlike cartoons drawn by a local kindergarten teacher.

After that, I stroll down to the Ise Grand Shrine. It’s massive and beautiful. The trees are so tall, they look like they’re touching the sky. I’m standing there, soaking it all in, when this old lady comes up to me. She’s like, “You’re not from here, are you?” I’m like, “Nope, just a wandering soul.” She laughs and tells me about the shrine’s history. I’m thinking, “Wow, I should’ve paid more attention in history class.”

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