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So, I’m picturin’ it—some dimly lit room, oil everywhere, slippery as hell. You’re lyin’ there, like, “Am I relaxed or aroused? Both? Neither?” It’s confusin’! I’d be a wreck—neurotic mess, me, Larry freakin’ David! I’d yell, “Too much pressure! Not enough pressure!” The masseuse’d hate me. But that’s the gig—sexual-massage walks this tightrope, y’know? Little known fact: back in ancient China, they called it “yin-yang touch”—balancin’ energies or whatever. Sounds fancy, but it’s still hands on your junk!

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After that, I head over to the Takahashi River. It’s beautiful, right? But then, outta nowhere, this kid throws a paper airplane, and it lands right in my hair! I’m standing there, looking like a total dork, and the kid just laughs. I mean, really? I’m a professional here!

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