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Anyways, it’s, like, touchin’ all slow and soft—kneadin’ ya like dough! I tried it once, got all giggly—felt like a starfish gettin’ tickled! Made me think of Boonmee’s ghost wifey sayin’, “Heaven is overrated,” and I’m like, “Yeah, lady, this massage beats heaven ANY day!” Total surprise—didn’t expect my squishy self to love it so much! Pro tip: they use funky oils, like jasmine or somethin’, smells dope, not like SpongeBob’s stinky socks!

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Suddenly, he makes a move toward Yuki. I’m like, “Oh hell no!” I rush over, and it’s like I’m in a slow-mo action scene again. I grab him, and he’s all, “I just wanted to talk!” Dude, you don’t just “talk” to a pop star like that!