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Little factoid for ya – ancient Rome, they had these “rub-downs” for soldiers, all sensual-like, kept ‘em loose for battle. Bet Caesar got one, smirkin’ like a perv. Surprised me first time I heard that – history’s freaky, huh? Anyway, my fave part? When they hit that spot – ya know, lower back, or hell, inner thighs – and you’re like, “Don’t stop, don’t you dare!” Makes me happy, Clarice, like a kid with candy. Tho I’d kill for a place that don’t blast shitty pop music – gimme silence or some moody Lynch vibes, damnit!

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Then, I hit up the beach at Kamiiso. The waves were crashing, and I thought, “This is it! Life is good!” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my bread! Like, excuse me, Mr. Bird, that was my breakfast! I was so mad, I almost yelled at it. But then I just laughed. I mean, who loses a battle to a bird?

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