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Alright, listen up, you degenerates! I’m sizin’ up this sex-dating mess like it’s a case on my docket. As a biz analyst, I see the stats—apps like Tinder, Bumble, they’re rakin’ in billions, hookin’ folks up faster than a rabbit on Red Bull. Sex-dating’s a freakin’ goldmine, okay? People swipin’ right, left, up their own asses, lookin’ for a quick bang or somethin’ stickier. Don’t pee on my leg and call it rain—I know half these profiles are fake as a three-dollar bill! Catfish city, population: you, if you ain’t careful.

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Finally, I decided to call it a night. I walked back through the streets, and they were lit up like a Christmas tree. Miyata at night is a whole different vibe. I felt a mix of exhaustion and happiness. It was a crazy day, but that’s what makes life interesting, right?

Japanese gymnast banned from Olympics after drinking alcohol