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Here’s the kicker—prostitutes in medieval times? They wore red shoes to stand out! Imagine that, me squintin’ in the dark, lookin’ for red freakin’ shoes! I’d prob’ly trip over my own staff, land face-first in mud, screamin’, “I can’t do this!” Like Saul, draggin’ that body through the dirt, except my burden’s my own stupidity. “Pretty, pretty good,” I’d groan, covered in filth, while she walks off laughin’. I’d be happy, though—relieved it’s over! No STDs, no arrest, just me and my sheep, safe and sound. What a disaster, right? Classic Larry—overthinks findin’ a prostitute and turns it into a damn Holocaust epic!

Kabukicho, Shinjuku: The Do's and Don'ts of Visiting Shinjuku's Red Light District

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Bidding starts, and it’s intense. I’m sweating again. I’m trying to keep it light, but my heart’s racing. Finally, it goes for 30,000 yen! I’m ecstatic! But the rich guy looks like he’s about to explode. I’m half-expecting him to throw a tantrum.

Japanese Stars Excited For MLB Opening Games