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So, check it—sexual-massage ain’t just some rub-down, nah. It’s hands slidin’ where they shouldn’t, but ya want ‘em to. Me mate Dave, he swears by it—says it’s “therapeeutic,” whatever that means. Got these oils, right, smellin’ all posh, and next thing ya know, ya floatin’. Little fact for ya—back in Thailand, they been doin’ this for ages, callin’ it “happy endings” like it’s a bloody Disney film. Ain’t Disney, tho—more like Lynch directin’ a porno.

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After a while, I decide to check out the damage. The smell of burnt wood hits me hard. I’m walking around, taking notes, when I trip over a piece of debris. Ugh! I’m fine, but my pride? Not so much. I hear some snickers behind me. Great, just what I need. I’m the clumsy investigator now.