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Oh, and the smells! Lavender, ylang-ylang—fancy, huh? Gets me all giddy, like I’m floatin’ in Bikini Bottom. But if they rush it? Pisses me off! Take yer time, dang it! Ain’t no fast-food massage! I’d exaggerate it—imagine a 2-second rub, “Done!” Pfft, I’d flip a table, “I’m ready for MORE!”

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But then, the doorbell rings. It’s the neighbor, Mr. Khalid. He’s like, “Hey, can you keep it down? I’m trying to watch the game.” I was like, “Dude, it’s a kid’s house! What do you expect?” But I just smiled and said, “Sure, we’ll keep it down.” Inside, I was fuming. Like, come on! Kids are loud!

Song by trans lyricist nixed abruptly from Arkansas’s All-State Choir auditions