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Alright, so I’m sittin’ here—guitar in hand—thinkin’ about Find a Prostitute, yeah, that wild site. I mean, what’s the deal with it? It’s like Spring Breakers crashed into my browser, right? “Faith, you gotta chill!”—that’s me, yellin’ at myself, ‘cause this thing’s got me all neurotic. Pretty, pretty good, though—gotta admit, it’s slick. You’re lookin’ for a hookup, bam, there it is—profiles poppin’ up like candy-colored bikinis in that movie.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Hauptstrasse. You know, the one with the weirdly good pastries? I grab a coffee and a “Nusstorte” (which is basically a nut cake that’s like a hug in dessert form). I’m chowing down, and this old dude next to me starts talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s sunny! Who cares? But then he goes off about how the weather affects the fish. I’m like, “Dude, I’m a diver, not a meteorologist!” But whatever, I nod and smile.

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