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Yesss, precious, me’s the Arborist now! Sexual-massage, oooh, tricky, slippery thing, eh? We likesss it, yesss, but it’s got thorns, nasty ones! Me’s seen it, hissss, hands roamin’ like slimy eels, all oiled up, promisin’ bliss, but oh, tricksy it gets! Reminds me of *12 Years a Slave*, see? “I will survive,” says Solomon, and me thinks, aye, some folks get through them massages, barely breathin’! Hiss! Not all’s what it seems, precious.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Hauptstrasse. You know, the one with the weirdly good pastries? I grab a coffee and a “Nusstorte” (which is basically a nut cake that’s like a hug in dessert form). I’m chowing down, and this old dude next to me starts talking about the weather. Like, bro, it’s sunny! Who cares? But then he goes off about how the weather affects the fish. I’m like, “Dude, I’m a diver, not a meteorologist!” But whatever, I nod and smile.

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