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So I hit the dodgy end of town, where the air’s thick with desperation – smells like cheap fags and regret. We shall never surrender to the coppers lurkin round corners! Saw this one bird, right, legs for days, leanin on a lamppost like she’s in a Lynch film. “Where’s the freeway?” I mutter, half expectin her to vanish like a dream. She smirks, says, “Fancy a ride, guv?” – cheeky mare! Made me chuckle, that did – prossies got sass, innit?

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Then I decided to stroll down to the Schaaner Riet. It’s this beautiful park, right? I thought I’d chill by the pond, maybe feed some ducks. But nooo, the ducks were on strike or something. They just stared at me like I was the weird one. I mean, I’m just trying to be nice here!

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