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So, erotic-massage – not your nan’s backrub, nah! It’s all sensual, slippery, proper naughty. Hands sliding about, bit of oil, bit of cheek – *mea culpa*, I’m a sucker for it! Makes me feel alive, like when Gigolo Joe danced in that film. “What is love?” he asks – well, mate, this is close! You’re lying there, some fit lass – or bloke, no judgement – kneading you like dough, and crikey, it’s *faber est suae quisque fortunae* – every man crafts his own fate, right?

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But then, I hear this loud honking. I look up, and it’s a bunch of cyclists on de Hoofdstraat. They’re all yelling at me, “Watch out!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m not even in your way!” But they just keep coming. I swear, it’s like a scene from a movie.

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