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So, picture me, gettin’ one—some underground joint, 2022, Shanghai vibes. Masseuse was a ninja, silent, hands like freakin’ servomotors. Little known fact: ancient China had these “qi-release” rubs—emperors got off on it, kept it hush-hush. I’m layin’ there, thinkin’, “This is peak human engineering!” Oils slicker than SpaceX lube, smellin’ like lust and lavender. She’s hittin’ nodes I didn’t know existed—nervous system’s like, “Whoa, rebooting!” Made me happy as hell, like landin’ a Falcon 9.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Jan. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe what just happened!” I’m thinking, “I can’t deal with this right now!” But I can’t help it. I pick up. Turns out, he just won a local fishing contest on de Woudweg. I’m like, “That’s awesome, man! But I’m in crisis mode here!”

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