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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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After the fire drill (which was a false alarm, of course), I decided to take a break. I strolled down to the harbor. The view of the Eems estuary is just stunning. I mean, you can see the ships coming in and out, and the sun was peeking through the clouds. For a sec, I forgot about the chaos. Just me, the water, and the seagulls squawking like they own the place.

Google’s Dutch data center to be fully solar-powered