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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!
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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady comes up to me. She’s got this wild hair, like a bird’s nest. She starts telling me about her cat, Momo. I’m like, “Lady, I’m just trying to build a shelf here.” But she goes on and on. I mean, I love cats, but c’mon!
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