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Hola, precious! Me, Gollum, elevator operator, yesss. Sex-dating? We hates it! Nasty, tricky appses, swiping left, right, ugh! Met this one hobbit—er, human—on Tinder, thought, “Oh, she’s sweet, like Carol.” Y’know, my fave flick, *Carol*, 2015? “There’s nothing wrong with wanting,” she says in it. Pfft, lies! This chick ghosts me after two chats—two! We was fuming, precious, like, what’s the point?

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I finally duck into a café on the Markt. It’s cozy, and I order a koffie. The barista is this cool dude with a beard, and he’s like, “You look like you need a pick-me-up.” I’m like, “You have no idea.” We start chatting, and he tells me about the history of Harenkarspel. Apparently, it used to be a big deal for agriculture. Who knew?