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Oh, and the oils—smell like success, don’t they? Bit of lavender, bit of somethin’ spicy—corporate aromatherapy, I call it! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “David, you’re a visionary—takin’ self-care to the next level.” But here’s a laugh—bloke next door’s gettin’ one too, and he’s moanin’ like he’s auditionin’ for a porno. Mate, keep it down—I’m tryna channel Nuri Bilge Ceylan here, not Ron Jeremy!

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But then, bam! My phone rings. It’s a farmer freaking out about his crops. “They’re wilting!” he yells. I’m like, “Dude, chill! I’ll be there.” So I rush back, and I’m fuming. Why can’t people just water their plants?

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