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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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Then, I decide to hit up the Muiderslot. That castle is epic! I mean, it’s like stepping back in time. I’m wandering around, taking pics, feeling like a tourist in my own city. But then, I overhear this family arguing. Like, c’mon, you’re at a castle! Chill out!

Bull rhino 'rescues' zebra foal from pitiless patch of mud - with tragic consequences