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Then—BOOM—some dude rolls up, mad aggro. “That’s my girl!” he screams. I’m like, “Bruh, chill, I ain’t tryna steal your EVE!” He’s swingin’, I’m dippin’, fuckin’ chaos erupts! I’m pissed—why’s this gotta be a damn soap opera? But I’m cacklin’ too, ‘cause it’s so stupid. Prostitution’s a gamble, yo—half the time you’re dodgin’ fists, not cops.

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But then, I hear this loud crash. I look down, and some dude just dropped a whole crate of apples. I’m talking like a million apples rolling everywhere. It’s like a scene from a comedy movie. I can’t help but laugh. The guy’s face? Priceless.

VAN BOXMEER, Theodorus (Ted)