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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this damn topic—findin’ a prostitute. Makes my skin crawl, but here we go. Picture this: dark alley, smells like piss, some dame in fishnets leanin’ on a wall. Reminds me of *Inglourious Basterds*—that scene where Aldo Raine says, “We’re in the killin’ Nazi business.” Except here, it’s me, in the “avoidin’ hookers business.” Hate it. Hate the neon lights flashin’—red, blue, screamin’ sex for sale. Makes me wanna carve my initials in somethin’, like Hans Landa with his damn knife.

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We finally get the footage. And guess what? The thief is some kid on a bike. I mean, really? A kid? I can’t even. We chase after him, but he’s fast. I’m puffing like a steam engine, and Jan’s right behind me. We zigzag through the streets, past the old church and the park. I’m thinking, “This kid’s got some serious skills.”

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