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So, picture this, yeah? Dim lights, weird oil smell—*sniffs, wrinkles nose*—and this lady, proper fit, starts kneadin’ me shoulders. *mimes it, elbows flappin’* I’m thinkin’, “Blimey, this ain’t no regular rub!” Sexual-massage, see, it’s sneaky-like. Little known fact, mate—goes back to ancient Rome! Them toga blokes loved it—called it “sensual touchin’” or summat. *nods sagely, trips on air* Made me happy, oh yes! Tension gone, like *poof*! But angry too—why’d no one tell me sooner? *shakes fist, stumbles*

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As I’m leaving the pub, I bump into that wild-haired dude from the café. He’s like, “You’re the lecturer, right?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s me.” And he starts talking about hiking again. I’m just nodding, trying to be polite, but inside I’m like, “Dude, I’m not going hiking at 10 PM!”