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Right, so you’re after one – where d’you start? Web’s your best mate, but it’s a minefield, yeah? Links dodgier than a photocopier jam. I’d be like, “This is my kingdom!” – channellin’ that *Pan’s Labyrinth* Pale Man vibe, all creepy and in charge. But nah, I’d muck it up – typin’ “prostitue” with 14 typos, fat fingers fumblin’. “David, you plonker!” I’d yell at meself. Happy though – freedom’s the dream, innit? No 9-to-5 grind, just vibes.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I woke up in my tiny flat on Wattle St, right? The sun was blaring through my curtains like it was auditioning for a role in a bad rom-com. I was like, “Ugh, not today!” But ya know, life doesn’t care about your plans.

Expansion plans for Massey University Auckland campus