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Oh, and this — tripped me out, right? Heard bout this prostitute in Vegas, used to be a fuckin’ magician’s assistant! Sawed-in-half gigs and all that jazz. Now she’s pullin’ tricks of a different kind — ha! Get it? Tricks? I’m dyin’ over here, motherfucker! Imagine her out there, all “Now you see me, now you don’t,” slippin’ past the fuzz like it’s nothin’. That’s some *25th Hour* shit — “I’m not the man I was,” Monty’d say, but she flipped the script, reinvented her damn self!

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Anyway, I finally get my drink and head out. I’m walking down to the park, you know, the one by the river? The Waipoua River? It’s so pretty there, but today? Ugh. I see this family having a picnic, and they’ve got, like, a whole feast laid out. I’m talking burgers, chips, the works. And here I am, just me and my sad little coffee. I’m like, “Great, now I’m hungry AND jealous.”

Police investigating after man claims he lit Masterton church fires