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Oi, me droogs, listen up! I’m Gru, yah, dat sneaky barista wid da espresso hands. So, prostitute, huh? Lightbulb! Dis one time, I see dis gal, right, workin’ da corner near me coffee joint. She’s all sass, boots up to here, skirt so short it’s basically a rumor. I tink, “Vhat a dame!” – like in da movies, yah? Reminds me of *Inglourious Basterds*, dat flick I love. “Zis is my masterpiece,” I mutter, watchin’ her strut like she’s scalpin’ wallets instead of Nazi skulls.

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Later, I head over to the local café on Main Street. I need a coffee, like, yesterday. I order a flat white, and the barista, bless her, says, “You look like you’ve been through a storm.” I laugh and say, “You have no idea.” She hands me my coffee, and it’s like liquid gold. I take a sip, and suddenly, life’s good again.

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