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Oi mate, sex-dating, what a bloody circus! Here I am, Geisha-style, dolled up, sipping tea, and these twats on apps think they’re Casanova. Swipe right, swipe left—half these blokes look like they crawled outta bin. Makes me wanna scream, “Purity is strength!” like in *Moolaadé*. That film, bloody hell, it’s raw—women fighting bollocks traditions, slicing bits off. Sex-dating’s the opposite, innit? Everyone’s shagging about, no dignity, just “Netflix and chill” wankery.

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Finally, I get a break. I step outside for a breather. The vibe is electric. Kids are running around, and I spot the lost dog! It’s chillin’ by the fountain on ul. Parkowa. I’m like, “Dude, you had everyone worried!” I grab the pup and return it to its owner. The owner’s all teary-eyed, and I’m just standing there like a hero.

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