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Back in ‘88—yeah, I’m goin’ there—people met at bars, not screens. Fact: first sex-dating site, Match.com, didn’t even exist ‘til ‘95! Now it’s all “slide into DMs” and “Netflix n’ chill.” I’m old-school, man, I wanna chop wood and talk, not sext at 2 a.m.! But I tried it, got a date once—dude showed up in flip-flops. Flip-flops! In *Synecdoche*, Caden’s tryna figure out life, and I’m over here tryna figure out why this guy’s toes are out in December!

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Tomek. He’s like, “Let’s hit up the bar later!” I’m like, “Yes, please!” I need a drink after this day.