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Favorite bit? When they ghost ya—poof! Like Jasper’s mates, “gone, vanished, nada.” Hurts, but funny too—cuz I’m Gollum, I don’t care! Sex-dating’s a gamble, precious. Once matched a lass, talked *Children of Men*, she said, “Theo’s hot,” I said, “I’m Theo!” She unmatched. Rude! Got me ragin’, but whatevs.

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Whore, Golden Shower (give) for extra charge, Sex in Different Positions, Deep Throat, Sex in Different Positions.

But then, just when I think the day’s winding down, I get a call. It’s my mom. She’s like, “You forgot to pick up the groceries!” Ugh, I totally did. So, I drag myself to the market on ul. Główna. It’s packed! I’m weaving through people like I’m in a video game.

Subterranean homsesick rainbows: notes from “the world’s only underground fish farm”