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So, this one time—true story, swear it—I sneaks into a parlor, right? Smells like lavender and sin, lights dim, music all plinky-plonky. Lady says, “Relax, honey,” but me’s all bones, no meat—stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it! She rubs me shoulders, and I’m hissing, “Harder, yesss, like you mean it!” Felt good, real good—til she charged me double! “It’s not a hotel, Bebe!” she snaps, like in the movie. Pissed me off, it did—thought we had a deal! Greedy hands, not just for massaging, eh?

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First thing, I’m mixing dough for my famous paczki. You know, the ones that make people forget their diets? Yeah, those. I’m all pumped, ready to make the best batch ever. But then, boom! The mixer breaks. Like, seriously? I’m standing there, flour everywhere, and I’m like, “What the heck, universe?”

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